Somebody asked me today "so what happens if you don't finish in under 3 hrs?" I am about 95% sure that was not a question asked because they doubted my ability (and I say 95% because there is a 5% that any person can be batsh*t crazy at any moment for no apparent reason. There is no chance I do not break 3:00!), but rather a question posed to make me take a moment of introspection and prepare for the possibility that maybe I may not hit my goal. (note: just took a 30 min break... i'm having a dumb day (waiting for you to make a side joke about all my days being dumb days... ok... good one... not) and my creativity is slowed to a crawl). It was interesting trying to think about what if I don't succeed. During my entire rowing career, I rarely ever thought about the idea of failing. I am not saying that I didn't have my fair share of "failures," its just when you are training for a goal, whether it be in athletics or in everyday life, you are always thinking about what it will be like to actually attain that goal. I am somewhat renown with my teammates as someone that will "blow up" in a gloriously explosion of exhaustion. There have been times where I could barely cross the real (or proverbial) finish line and I would be so disappointed in myself, characteristically sequestering myself in solitude for an extended period of time. The best example I have of this is from 2003, when the Dartmouth team went down to Crash-B's (the world indoor rowing championships) and I had a terrible performance. That year I was battling to be selected for the first boat and felt like I had a lot to prove. I was viewed as more of a "hammer" than as a skilled oarsman when I arrived at Dartmouth. I wanted to continue that image of being strong, the guy everyone can count on to bring the power when it was needed, but I also wanted to develop better touch. The championship was a way for me to show off that hammer image. Unfortunately I barely beat my personal best from high school and felt terrible about it. Instead of waiting for the rest of the team to finish (go to the finals and get in cars and go back to Hanover), I immediately left, bought a bus ticket, and went straight to the gym and started a late night workout. Like many people, my failures inspire me more than my successes. Because of that failure, I began doing extra workouts on my own up until spring training, where I won my seat race so dramatically that I was never seat raced again at Dartmouth. When success happens, I rarely ever relish the moment because in my mixed up head it was always going to end up that way. I do take pride in success, but that pride isn't what spurs me forward. Even in training now, it's more fear of failure that makes me go that extra 30 minutes, or extra few MPH. I do feel like I put myself out there a bit, setting a somewhat high (i had a better word for this but my brain synapses are not firing at full go right now... yes i put this parenthesis in here to use the work synapses... shut it) goal for the marathon, but in honesty, I don't think I could ever do something "just to finish" (insert joke... keep it PG). Don't get me wrong, I will be severely disappointed if I don't break 3hrs. I know its not like I will have to give back all the donations, or that anyone would think less of me (except myself), but I started this journey with 2 goals: to raise money in the fight against cancer and to break 3 hrs. Obviously raising money for ACS is by far the more important goal, and I know that the 2 are not mutually exclusive. But on a personal level the 3 hr mark is important to me. Would failure push me to do another marathon? Likely that answer is "yes." I would have the urge to apologize to my supporters, especially those who come to cheer me on. As I write this, I know how ridiculous that sounds. It's probably a good thing I never became a boxer. I would keep getting up when I shouldn't that I would develop brain damage in record time (and we all know that I can't afford to loose any more brain cells). My view on this, and life in general, is that if the possibility of failure isn't there, whats the point in doing what ever you are considering doing? It's that fear of failure that will make the success more than just "what you expect" (i may have totally contradicted my initial statement here... go on). When I am running, and hopefully it will be with a pace group going for 3hrs, I will be thinking that failure is not an option. If it takes me passing out at the end of the race, then that's what will happen (the video at the bottom could very likely be me on 10/10/10). That means it could get ugly for sure, but I know I can finish no matter what, I've done the distance (close to at least), it's just a matter of how fast I can do it. I may or may not have a "come to jesus" moment with myself sometime in the race, but I'll put jesus on mute as long as i can if that's the case.
I am close... I guess that's why this blog has been so long. 3 hours will be either exactly the best I could possibly do or it will be too fast. My body has been hurting the past few days, a sign I need to pull back a bit, but taper is close. I have 1 more week of hard workouts, no more 20+ runs, and then I will taper for 2 weeks, cutting my work load in half. It worked for the half marathon, I think I've done it even better up to the real marathon so far. I had a 55 mile week this week, next will be around 45 with more speed work, and then it will be cut to 30ish and then 20. I'm getting nervous and excited. I really want to thank all of you readers and supporters. So many people have come out of the woodwork through this blog and facebook. I really appreciate your words and donations. We are close to $2000 still. I really think we can blast through that in the next few weeks. Any thoughts on ways to raise money? I could auction off "real estate" on my body for messages/names of loved ones during the race. Maybe auction off the choice of haircut (read buzz/mohawk???) which if you have seen me recently, thats a big deal (worth a lot a lot a lot of money). If you have ideas, please comment on here. I really like reading peoples comments and I know people are reading because my statecounter is past 1000!
So I'll end this for the night, alarm set for 5am, which may not happen because its midnight now. Thank you all and go out and kill it!
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment